Hey Dad,
It's been 2 weeks since you left this earth for your Heavenly Home. Wondering what you might say if we could talk right now. Someone today said, wouldn't it be great if we could just get a phone call letting us hear their voice one more time saying "I'm OK!"? It would be great, but then wouldn't we want just one more call or one more day?
I'm sure you'd tell me that you are OK, and so is Mom. I'm sure you'd tell me to get the thank you notes finished up and sent out:) (we don't want people waiting too long sis). You'd tell me that you're proud of me for getting through the work day today when all I really wanted to do was just stay home--but that's not the way you raised us. Maybe you'd tell me you were with me yesterday...because it sure felt like you and Mom were there pointing out important parts of the sermon that I got to hear 2 times yesterday.
Yesterday at church we heard a sermon about forgiveness...and it struck a chord, but not likely the way that it did for some. But I was thinking, I'm not really looking to forgive any ONE for everything that has happened...basically because there's no ONE that can be blamed and no ONE that DID this to you or Mom. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't just LOVE to yell at someone about this and really take it out on someone....but again, that's not really how you raised us. Anyhow, in an illustration of forgiveness, Matt used 2 chairs...one of judgement and anger and one of grace and forgiveness and I thought about which chair would I choose to sit in during these past 4 months (and past 2.5 years)?? What was so striking to me is that I quickly realized that there's no way I could choose to sit anywhere but the grace & forgiveness chair. Which made me think, what if these 2 chairs were also used to illustrate where I could choose to sit during this mourning. It was a poignant realization that I really have 2 choices about how to handle this grief and sorrow that I'm going through as I try to navigate how to get by in this world without you and Mom. I could choose to sit in the chair of sorrow and become jaded and cold to the world around me or I could choose to sit in the chair of blessings and start recognizing the good that does exist. I know that I can look to so many books of The Bible to see how people through history have gone through horrible trials and have had a prayer answered--even if it took 15 years or more. I know that even in all of my trials there are blessings--a close family (emotionally and in proximity), a great group of friends, & the opportunity to share my faith with so many people. Before all of this happened, I was quietly faithful. Now, when someone asks "how are you getting through all of this?" I know my answer is FAITH. I am so thankful for a loving and just God, who, because of my salvation through Jesus Christ is able to forgive me of my sins and will welcome me to my Heavenly Home one day.
So, as I look for answers as to "WHY??" or "How am I going to get through this??", I'm trusting in a God that is going to use my trials to point others to HIM. I'm trusting in a God who loves me SO much that He sent His son to die for MY sins. I'm trusting in a God who is ready to forgive ALL of US for everytime we hurt Him. I pray that maybe my story will be the light to someone else whose story looks even more dark.
I know that I'm not the only one missing Mom & you, Dad. I know that for a fact...but my prayer is that while we are all missing you, we'll all grow closer together and to God so that we can all see you again someday.
I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU!!!
Monday, July 29, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Timelines
It was one year ago today that Dr. Kwo called my Dad to tell him that the liver transplant was off the table and the cancer had spread to the portal vein. At that time he was given 6-12 months--but my Dad has never been one to be on time, so it's not really a surprise that Dad didn't meet some doctor's timeline.
Timelines have an interesting impact on people don't they? Our family was dealt a timeline that's had an interesting effect on our family and really makes you stop and think about life. Dad certainly didn't begin dying when he got that phone call, but that phone call was a wake up to our perspectives and priorities. Family dinners became more important, more photos have been taken, impromptu get-togethers occurred more frequently...you get the idea. So often in my career I've wondered, why would that doctor give a family a timeline when no one can truly know how long someone has on this earth? Who can possibly predict that? And how many people have you heard were given some kind of timeline of maybe a few months and that was years ago?? But what I've realized is that sometimes that timeline is a gift. Timelines, even though they seem final, still allow families to hope and pray. See in our case, what Dad's timeline did for our family was eliminate the need for Mom's timeline. Mom would not have handled her timeline well--maybe it's a woman thing or a sentimental time thing, but most of you know how Mom did NOT like to talk about death...so in some ways Dad's timeline kept Mom from having to fret over hers--Dad always has a way to take care of Mom:) Dr. Cripe knew that Mom was going to fight as long as she could and he didn't have to take that from her by giving her a timeline, because our family was already living on that timeline. He knew that Mom and Dad were doing what they wanted to, having important conversations and making important decisions, & getting quality time with family, friends, and each other. I don't think it's any coincidence that after he told her there was no more to fight for and that it was time for hospice that she didn't even live one week....and since Mom didn't have to face her own timeline then she could fight for that much longer and we had months of good times with Mom after her final relapse and no chance at a stem cell transplant.
The other funny thing about a timeline is that it is the fastest and slowest time ever. It seems like time has been standing still since the Cancer has struck our family, but in the same sense, it feels like it has raced by. So much has happened in our lives since the diagnoses....some good, some bad, and then the extremely devastating time of losing my Mom. It's been only 6 weeks since Mom's passing and I'm still not sure that she's gone some days...I just know she's going to call any day now...but I know that's never going to happen again :(
There has been a lot that happened in that year since "the timeline"...the highs and lows that I could go on and on about. During this timeline, our family has always trusted in our faith...believing that our time on this earth might not always be wonderful, but trusting that eternal life would reunite all of us again when we wouldn't have to worry about the lows and rejoice in the highs! But even in some of the lows, there are highs that could be found. Interestingly enough, Dad did not see or speak to Dr. Kwo again until Mom was admitted to the hospital in January of this year...and they just happened to ride in the elevator together and Dad had to re-introduce himself. The next day Dr. Kwo was seeing the patient next door to Mom and told Dad that if he wanted to make another appointment with him, that he'd look at bloodwork and scans. Dad has seen him a few times in the last couple months and Dr. Kwo even did his endoscopy on Monday, but there still isn't a curative treatment that he can offer. Dad will continue to get follow up with Dr. Kwo and Dr. Cripe (who is managing the palliative care aspects of Dad's care--which is more symptom management than curative treatments). We will continue to pray for more time, for more highs, and for a miracle that Dad might be cured of this tumor and liver disease.
One thought to leave you with...what's your timeline? What motivates your decisions and perspectives? Are you doing what is REALLY important? Don't wait for someone to give you a timeline, start now.
Timelines have an interesting impact on people don't they? Our family was dealt a timeline that's had an interesting effect on our family and really makes you stop and think about life. Dad certainly didn't begin dying when he got that phone call, but that phone call was a wake up to our perspectives and priorities. Family dinners became more important, more photos have been taken, impromptu get-togethers occurred more frequently...you get the idea. So often in my career I've wondered, why would that doctor give a family a timeline when no one can truly know how long someone has on this earth? Who can possibly predict that? And how many people have you heard were given some kind of timeline of maybe a few months and that was years ago?? But what I've realized is that sometimes that timeline is a gift. Timelines, even though they seem final, still allow families to hope and pray. See in our case, what Dad's timeline did for our family was eliminate the need for Mom's timeline. Mom would not have handled her timeline well--maybe it's a woman thing or a sentimental time thing, but most of you know how Mom did NOT like to talk about death...so in some ways Dad's timeline kept Mom from having to fret over hers--Dad always has a way to take care of Mom:) Dr. Cripe knew that Mom was going to fight as long as she could and he didn't have to take that from her by giving her a timeline, because our family was already living on that timeline. He knew that Mom and Dad were doing what they wanted to, having important conversations and making important decisions, & getting quality time with family, friends, and each other. I don't think it's any coincidence that after he told her there was no more to fight for and that it was time for hospice that she didn't even live one week....and since Mom didn't have to face her own timeline then she could fight for that much longer and we had months of good times with Mom after her final relapse and no chance at a stem cell transplant.
The other funny thing about a timeline is that it is the fastest and slowest time ever. It seems like time has been standing still since the Cancer has struck our family, but in the same sense, it feels like it has raced by. So much has happened in our lives since the diagnoses....some good, some bad, and then the extremely devastating time of losing my Mom. It's been only 6 weeks since Mom's passing and I'm still not sure that she's gone some days...I just know she's going to call any day now...but I know that's never going to happen again :(
There has been a lot that happened in that year since "the timeline"...the highs and lows that I could go on and on about. During this timeline, our family has always trusted in our faith...believing that our time on this earth might not always be wonderful, but trusting that eternal life would reunite all of us again when we wouldn't have to worry about the lows and rejoice in the highs! But even in some of the lows, there are highs that could be found. Interestingly enough, Dad did not see or speak to Dr. Kwo again until Mom was admitted to the hospital in January of this year...and they just happened to ride in the elevator together and Dad had to re-introduce himself. The next day Dr. Kwo was seeing the patient next door to Mom and told Dad that if he wanted to make another appointment with him, that he'd look at bloodwork and scans. Dad has seen him a few times in the last couple months and Dr. Kwo even did his endoscopy on Monday, but there still isn't a curative treatment that he can offer. Dad will continue to get follow up with Dr. Kwo and Dr. Cripe (who is managing the palliative care aspects of Dad's care--which is more symptom management than curative treatments). We will continue to pray for more time, for more highs, and for a miracle that Dad might be cured of this tumor and liver disease.
One thought to leave you with...what's your timeline? What motivates your decisions and perspectives? Are you doing what is REALLY important? Don't wait for someone to give you a timeline, start now.
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